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Why do I always feel great on Saturday and Sunday, and sick on all the other days? Maybe I just have a weekend immune system.
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An elderly couple go to church one Sunday. Halfway through the service, the wife leans over and whispers in her husbands ear, “I’ve just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?” The husband replies, “Put a new battery in your hearing aid.”
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Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms Susan stopped to have a talk with the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, “Mike, when I was a child, I was told if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that.” Mike looked up and replied, “Well, Ms Susan, you can’t say you weren’t warned.”
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A guy is struggling to find a parking space. "Lord, he prays. I can’t stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I’ll give up the drink and go to mass every Sunday."
Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the man says: "Never mind, I found one!"
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Kelly hurried straight to her grandparents’ house after learning that her elderly grandfather had died, to comfort her 95-year-old grandmother.
When her grandma was asked how her grandfather died, she said, “He had a heart attack when we were making love on Sunday morning.” Kelly was terrified and warned her grandmother that having intercourse with two individuals approaching 100 years old was a recipe for disaster.
“Oh no, my dear,” granny answered. “Realizing our senior age, we determined that the ideal time to do it was when the church bells began to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.” She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, “He’d still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn’t come along.”
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A mid 30's guy is grocery shopping, and a 20 something blonde catches his eye. She looks very familiar, but he can't remember where he met her. When they moved closer, she said to him, "Hi - I think you're the father of one of my children."
The guy freaks out. He says, "I've only cheated on my wife 3 times - in Vegas 5 years ago, in Orlando 4 years ago, and in Seattle 3 years ago. You look familiar, but I just can't remember. Who are you?" She says, "I'm your son's Sunday school teacher."
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