Monday, December 6, 2021

How to drive around the people who don't know how to drive...

I live in a place called 'The Villages'.
They call it 'America's Friendliest Hometown'... 
They should call the hometown of the worst friggin' drivers in the world. This is a re-post of one one of my very first posts I did in March, 2019 with a little more commentary added, but it seems to me that it's more relevant today than it was then.
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Just talkin' about this makes me want a beer. Juss' sayin'...
Before we start, why not give the beer 
drinker's National Anthem a listen?

Because no matter where you are,
it's Five O'clock Somewhere...
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TRAFFIC LIGHTS - WHAT ARE THEY FOR?
Ok - the light thingamabob up in the air has changed colors. Know what the green light means?   It means you can go now. Not 10 or 20 or even 30  seconds from now. It means go NOW. GO. Step on the gas. Get the hell outta here...

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TURN SIGNALS? WHAT ARE THEY FOR?
This thing is called a TURN SIGNAL. It's used to indicate - TO THE OTHER DRIVERS AROUND YOU - what your intentions are at any given intersection. It not the 'thing I'm doing now' thing, it's not the 'the thing I did ten minutes ago' thing. Now I know back in Iowa or Wisconsiganaho you didn't have to use them, but here you do.

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YOU CAN GO FASTER THAN THAT...
I know you're only going to the mailbox or your friend Ginny's or going to play
'hands, feet and toes' at yer buddy Myrtles. Maybe down to the bocci courts to schmooze with your goombahs. I get it. But if you're gonna drive slower than snailshit, move the hell over and lemme pass fer godsake...

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OH - THAT'S WHAT THEY MEAN BY 'TURNING LANE'
When you're in the left hand 'TURNING LEFT LANE' at a traffic light, do NOT stop at the line painted on the street. Pull IN TO the intersection (with your turn signal on) and go as SOON AS YOU can. Do NOT sit there until the light turns orange and then go, leaving me behind you with the red light. I will hunt you down and kill your puppy.

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 Christmas isn't too far off guys.
Women especially love gifts of jewelry like this... 
 
Click on the picture for information on this item. 
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GOING SOMEWHERE? PROVE IT.
Whenever possible, and I know this sounds silly, but whenever you can, PLEASE drive AS IF YOU HAVE AN ULTIMATE DESTINATION. The Grim Reaper is NOT sitting around the next bend waiting for you. You are not saving money on gas. Go with purpose my child. GO.

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That's a 'street legal' golf cart. They still won't go over 10mph...
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I OWN THE LEFT LANE, DON'T I?
There oughta be a law that you can read-end anyone driving slower in the left lane than anyone else. If more than one person passes you on the right screaming curses and giving you the finger, you probably should pull over into another lane...

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TAKE A HIKE, MIKE. GET A BIKE.
Just because you're on a snazzy bike in a jazzy kinda silly-looking Lycra/spandex outfit with 60 or 70 of yer best buds, do not think that my 4,ooo lb. pickup truck has the same 'rights of the road' that you do. Sure we share the same 'rules of the road' but common sense alone should tell you it won't end well if you get in my way.

Those Lycra outfits are SO cute, aren't they? Jeeezzzz.
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AND SHOVE THAT PHONE UP YER ASS...
"Oh god, I'm stuck in traffic - I have to call my cousin Freda and talk about my grandson's kindergarten graduation ceremony." NOTHING is that important. Wait till you get where yer going. And it should be legal to shoot people texting while driving. Juss' sayin'...

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AND THEN THERE'S THE GRANDKIDS.
Speaking of the little dears, if you let yer little grandkids drive around here in your golf cart and something terrible happens to them, IT'S YOUR FAULT you jackass. 
It's not a toy - it's a motorized conveyance. If they ain't runnin' around on your north 40 back home in Iowa or Kansas, they shouldn't be behind the wheel.
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It usually ends up like this:

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You know damn well women
 love gifts of jewelry like this...   

What are you waiting for - Christmas is coming...
Click on the picture for information on this item.
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