The ten commandments of Sunday drinking...
The rules are pretty simple.
I. Thou shall shower.
You may think you can roll out of the Uber from your one-night-stand’s place and roll straight into a brunch situation, but I’ve got a newsflash for you: you stink. You may not think you stink because you swished with a makeshift mouthwash of toothpaste and tap water, but you’re forgetting about all the dancing and sex you did the night before. Do yourself (and everyone else) a favor and take the 20 minutes to get fresh before embarking on your Sunday.
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II. Thou shall not say, “Sunday Funday.”
You know who says that? Dumb girls who finish their Sundays drunkenly yelling at their boyfriends and annoying bros who stand around the pool drinking RedBull-Vodkas while listening to “The Thong Song.”
And yes, after typing that, I do realize that it sounds kind of awesome to stand around a pool drinking RedBull-Vodkas while listening to “The Thong Song” but I’m still standing by what I said. The phrase “Sunday Funday” is played out.
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III. Thou shall brunch.
Real talk: you need a base. It doesn’t matter that you can barely stomach your Eggs Benny order because you have heartburn from all the Fireball shots you did at last call. Drinking on a Sunday without a solid foundation is like skiing with your boots unbuckled with no poles. Yeah, it may work out, but chances are that you’ll fall flat on your face.
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IV. Thou shall wear sunglasses.
No one wants to see how cashed your eyes are from the night before. Your friends will all tell you that you look like shit and your waitress will wonder whether or not she should actually serve you. Furthermore, there’s nothing more devastating than going into a restaurant bathroom with a jag on and seeing what you look like in the mirror when you have bloodshot and tired eyes. Investing in some good party shades not only makes you look cooler around other people, but it’s also a little self-fulfilling as well.
If Bernie Lomax can appear alive for an entire weekend because he’s rocking some solid specs, imagine what they’ll do for you on a Sunday afternoon. As my friend Douchebag Pete says, “Look good, play good.”
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And these don't count but it wouldn't hurt your image to own a pair:
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V. Thou shall seek a relaxed setting.
Be honest with yourself here. In your heart of hearts, do you think going to a packed bar that’s blasting aggressive EDM music mid-day is really going to lead you to the promise land? No.
An outdoor patio, your buddy’s lakehouse, your back porch. Fuck, do it in your own Panic Room Panic Room for all I care. Just don’t get caught somewhere that’s putting out a Saturday vibe or you’ll find yourself being Sunday hungover at your desk come Monday morning.
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VI. Thou shall obey the alcoholic beverage power index.
Your body is only as strong as the choices you make. When you first start golfing, you don’t just head straight to the black tees because you’re setting yourself up for disaster. You temper your expectations, start forward, and keep it manageable. Well, same goes for your Sunday beverage choices.VII. Thou shall never, under any circumstances, do shots.
You know when you’re in a Mexican airport and all the gift stores have the shirts that say, “1 Tequila, 2 Tequila, 3 Tequila, Floor.”? Your blood-alcohol level is already sneaky high from the night before. Injecting yourself with straight 80 proof is bad news no matter how you slice it.
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VIII. Thou shall not skip prior obligations to drink.
Every Sunday, I eat family dinner with my direct and extended family. We bring appetizers to pass, eat some staple family entrees, and all leave my about 8 o’clock. It’s a real centering, zen situation that delays the Sunday Scaries for a couple hours.
The one rule of family dinner? You don’t no-show a family dinner. And if I ever no-showed because some afternoon pitchers turned into me going to totally off the grid until I send a Monday email apologizing? That’s a one-way ticket to my family sitting around the dinner table without me exploring whether or not I have a drinking problem.
If you’re riding the wave on Saturday and you think some of your Sunday obligations are in jeopardy, you best plug your phone in and do some damage control.
IX. Thou shall not drink past midnight.
The fact of the matter is, your parents were right. Nothing good happens after midnight.
The National Sleep Foundation (not entirely positive how this can possibly be a thing) suggests that the average adult gets between 7-9 hours of sleep per night. Let’s do some simple math.
If you wake up for work at a reasonable 7 AM and you get 8 hours of sleep, that means you’re hitting the hay at a respectable 11 PM right after Mad Men ends. If you’re slinging back voddy-sodas past the midnight hour on a school night, you’re flat out looking for trouble. You barely get any REM sleep when you’re hammered as it is, so don’t play with fire and think you can keep it chill until 1 AM. You can’t.
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Maybe one of these would come in handy:
Vibrating Alarm Watch
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Maybe one of these would come in handy:
Vibrating Alarm Watch
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IX. Thou shall take preventative hangover measures.
You need to do whatever it is you do to prevent your own personal hangover for work on Monday. Chug ten glasses of water, eat a loaf of bread, take some Alka-Seltzer, I don’t care. Everyone at work already knows you went out the day before because you posted an Instagram of how awesome you looked in your new Persol party shades at brunch, so don’t compound that idiocy by reeking of booze at your desk.
X. Thou shall not call into work on Monday.
If you can’t stand the heat of drinking on a Sunday, then you best make your way out of the kitchen...
(The text of this post was borrowed in it's entirety from Will at https://postgradproblems.com/the-ten-commandments-of-sunday-drinking/)
Call your boss and say "I'm afraid I won't be able to make it in today'
Do you know how to 'call in scared'?
Call your boss and say "I'm afraid I won't be able to make it in today'
My rules for drinking:
ReplyDelete1) Drink only Whisky
a) know your limits
2) Before bed drink a 12 oz glass of water
3) Get at least 7 and a half hours sleep (my norm)
4) Hair of the dog just prolongs the agony to come.
What do you have when a drunk eats after a bender? A full drunk.
What do you when you give somebody who's drunk coffee? A wide awake drunk.
Never did get the whole Red Bull and vodka thing....
ReplyDeleteThou shall not say, “Sunday Funday.”
ReplyDeleteFirst, it's, "Thou shalt not say, 'Sunday Funday.'"
Second, if it's good enough for Woodsterman, it's good enough for everybody.
Woodster may have a different standards regime than I do............
ReplyDelete