Before you come to Florida to visit you must be aware of what is happening here. Especially, around the rural and well, All of Florida. There's a housing shortage, rent has tripled, and folks are vacationing here in record numbers...
So, if you plan on moving here, or just plan on vacationing in our river bottoms, beaches or lakes this summer, I think you should know that wolf spiders, fire ants and bedbugs have infested hotels and motels across the area due to dryer than usual weather. The woods will eat you alive with ticks and chiggers.
On both the Florida coasts, Bull Sharks are bigger than Jaws & way more aggressive. The Beaches are overrun with Portuguese Man of War Jelly Fish & the Sting Rays are as big as a Volkswagen Beatle. Our lakes are full of gators, freshwater sharks, and creepy old guys wearing speedos.
Our rivers are full of drunks in tubes peeing themselves while the banjo players lay waiting in the bushes. Florida cougars have eaten many domesticated animals and possibly some small children.
The local bear and coyote population are all 'in heat' and think your wife/girlfriend is hot. Snakes... don’t even get me started on the water headed copper moccasins here, and the Diamond Back Rattler Cobras. The poison ivy has overtaken all other vegetation.
We have had bobcat sightings at every park and town and they are after your picnic baskets….and some cougars have been spotted in motel rooms and bars. Watch out for the jackalopes, they have been extremely aggressive this season.
We have the Skunk Ape invading our parks and it’s their mating season. Porcupines are "stabbing" small children should they dare to utilize the local playground equipment. Skunks have made their way over and multiplied at unprecedented rates and wander the local neighborhoods looking for victims.”
Welcome to Alaska. Now go the hell home.
ReplyDeleteFlorida politicians (mostly out of greed and ego I suspect) go out of their way to encourage people to move to FL. Add to that the actions by the criminals who infest the legislatures and governor's mansions of other states, and far too many move to FL. Just imagine if freedom was restored in the states in which folks would RATHER live.
ReplyDeleteWhat about the giant hogweed?
ReplyDeleteYeah, and Bolivian Pain Beetles.
DeleteYou left out the killer trees scattered around the state.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I copied and pasted. It's 100% true though.
ReplyDeleteThe first Americans to spend much time in South Florida were the U.S. Army men who chased the Seminole Indians around the peninsula in the 1830s. And they hated it. Today, their letters read like Yelp reviews of an arsenic café, denouncing the region as a “hideous,” “loathsome,” “diabolical,” “God-abandoned” mosquito refuge.
“Florida is certainly the poorest country that ever two people quarreled for,” one Army surgeon wrote. “It was the most dreary and pandemonium-like region I ever visited, nothing but barren wastes.” An officer summarized it as “swampy, low, excessively hot, sickly and repulsive in all its features.” The future president Zachary Taylor, who commanded U.S. troops there for two years, groused that he wouldn’t trade a square foot of Michigan or Ohio for a square mile of Florida. The consensus among the soldiers was that the U.S. should just leave the area to the Indians and the mosquitoes; as one general put it, “I could not wish them all a worse place.” Or as one lieutenant complained: “Millions of money has been expended to gain this most barren, swampy, and good-for-nothing peninsula.”
Don't forget Florida also has 7 species of cockroaches including flying roaches that attack you in your own home, 80 different species of swarming mosquitoes, 40 different species of snakes including 6 that are poisonous and deadly, Burmese pythons big enough to eat gators, crocodiles, big dogs and small teenagers, big lizards that fall on you out of trees, 3 different kinds of voracious wood eating termites that can devour your wood house in months, huge colonies of swarming Red Fire Ants that bite worse than a hive of stinging wasps. Not to mention hurricanes, 7 month long summers with temperatures hot as a sauna and humidity so thick it's like trying to breath under water, And worst of all - clusters of brain-dead democrats who already fled the north but brought their leftist ideas and attitudes with them. As soon as they move to Florida they plot to steal our elections and work to turn the state into a clone of the liberal stink-holes they created in their blue states.
ReplyDeleteI was figuring I could get by until you mentioned the guys in Speedos. i was just about to bail when I saw the cougars in the bars and motels! now THAT makes the move worth it!
ReplyDeleteSo, what's the downside?
ReplyDelete