Thinking of moving to Florida iin the near future? Think again...

 It's awfully crowded down here, and besides...  

Before you come to Florida to visit you must be aware of what is happening here.  Especially around the Caloosahatchee and all of south Florida! 

There's a housing shortage, rent has tripled, and folks are vacationing here in record numbers...

So if you plan on moving here, or just plan on vacationing on our beaches, river bottoms, or lakes this summer, I think you should know that wolf spiders, fire ants and bedbugs have infested hotels and motels across the area due to dryer than usual weather. 

The woods will eat you alive with ticks and chiggers. 

 

Our lakes are full of gators, fresh water sharks, and creepy old guy wearing speedos 

Our rivers are full of drunks in tubes peeing themselves while the banjo players lay waiting in the bushes 

Florida panthers have eaten many domesticated animals and possibly some small children.

The local bear and coyote population are all 'in heat' and think your wife/girlfriend is hot.

Snakes don’t even get me started on the water headed copper moccasins here and the diamond back rattle Cobras 

The poison ivy has overtaken all other vegetation

 

We have had bear sightings at every park and town they are after your picnic baskets….and some cougars have been spotted in motel rooms and bars.

Watch out for the jackalopes; they have been extremely aggressive this season. 

We have the Skunk Ape invading our parks and it’s their mating season. Porcupines are "stabbing" small children should they dare to utilize the local playground equipment.  

Skunks have made their way over and multiplied at unprecedented rates and wander the local campgrounds in packs looking for beer.

Murder hornets!?! We’ve got great black clouds of murder hornets, and swarms of giant crickets and even some Alabama grasshoppers.  

Scorpions have been congregating in massive quantities under rocks, logs, wooden steps, automobiles, and tarantulas are now stealing peoples food and biting like crazy.

I’m pretty sure all private tiger owners (we had a jump in them after Tiger King) have released their cats into the streets of our cities and towns. 

Head lice now fly and we have vampire bats.  

Oh and no one is vaccinated.

Come at your own risk...

I hear Idaho and Louisiana are really nice though.”

 

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