Tuesday, August 3, 2021

I learned to drive 50 years ago. You must have just learned yesterday.

Learning to drive in The Villages.
Or anywhere else for that matter... 
This is a re-post of one I did in March, 2019 with a little more commentary added, but it seems to me that it's more relevant today than it was then.

Before we start, why not give the beer 
drinker's National Anthem a listen?

Because no matter where you are,
it's Five O'clock Somewhere...
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TRAFFIC LIGHTS - WHAT ARE THEY FOR?
Ok - the light thingamabob up in the air has changed colors. Know what the green light means?   It means you can go now. Not 10 or 20 or even 30  seconds from now. It means go NOW. GO. Step on the gas. Get the hell outta here...

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TURN SIGNALS? WHAT ARE THEY FOR?
This thing is called a TURN SIGNAL. It's used to indicate - TO THE OTHER DRIVERS AROUND YOU - what your intentions are at any given intersection. It not the 'thing I'm doing now' thing, it's not the 'the thing I did ten minutes ago' thing. Now I know back in Iowa or Wisconsiganaho you didn't have to use them, but here you do.

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YOU CAN GO FASTER THAN THAT?
I know you're only going to the mailbox or your friend Ginny's or going to play
'hands, feet and toes' at yer buddy Myrtles. Maybe down to the bocci courts to schmooze with your goombahs. I get it. But if you're gonna drive slower than snailshit, move the hell over and lemme pass fer godsake...

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OH - THAT'S WHAT THEY MEAN BY 'TURNING LANE'
When you're in the left hand 'TURNING LEFT LANE' at a traffic light, do NOT stop at the line painted on the street. Pull IN TO the intersection (with your turn signal on) and go as SOON AS YOU can. Do NOT sit there until the light turns orange and then go, leaving me behind you with the red light. I will hunt you down and kill your puppy.

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GOING SOMEWHERE? PROVE IT.
Whenever possible, and I know this sounds silly, but whenever you can, PLEASE drive AS IF YOU HAVE AN ULTIMATE DESTINATION. The Grim Reaper is NOT sitting around the next bend waiting for you. You are not saving money on gas. Go with purpose my child. GO.

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This works great here in Florida.
Will it work where you live?


Got one a while back for the wife's car. That's the one we do our road trips in. It might work for you where you live. It's here if you're interested:
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I OWN THE LEFT LANE, DON'T I?
There oughta be a law that you can read-end anyone driving slower in the left lane than anyone else. If more than one person passes you on the right screaming curses and giving you the finger, you probably should pull over into another lane...

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TAKE A HIKE, MIKE. GET A BIKE.
Just because you're on a snazzy bike in a jazzy kinda silly-looking Lycra/spandex outfit with 60 or 70 of yer best buds, do not think that my 4,ooo lb. pickup truck has the same 'rights of the road' that you do. Sure we share the same 'rules of the road' but common sense alone should tell you it won't end well if you get in my way.

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AND SHOVE THAT PHONE UP YER ASS...
"Oh god, I'm stuck in traffic - I have to call my cousin Freda and talk about my grandson's kindergarten graduation ceremony." NOTHING is that important. Wait till you get where yer going. And it should be legal to shoot people texting while driving. Juss' sayin'...

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AND THEN THERE'S THE GRANDKIDS.
Speaking of the little dears, if you let yer little grandkids drive around here in your golf cart and something terrible happens to them, IT'S YOUR FAULT you jackass. It's not a toy - it's a motorized conveyance. If they ain't runnin' around on your north 40 back home in Iowa or Kansas, they shouldn't be behind the wheel.

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You can click on this banner to get there...
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Might as well have a peak 
at Nicci while you're here.

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Have a special occasion of some kind like a birthday, an 
anniversary or some other event worth celebrating coming up? 
You can find something nice for your Mom, your wife, your daughter or 
your girlfriend right here. Below are some samples of the jewelry my wife makes.

Click on the picture above for information on this item

Click on the picture above for information on this item

There's a lot more different items of her jewelry available on Etsy. 
Take a look at the one-of-a-kind jewelry my wife creates for women. 
See some more for yourself by clicking here:
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5 comments:

  1. Go on green? Not in Chicagoland!
    I moved to Chicagoland in the summer of 1990 (90-95), I quickly learned that when the light turns green you WAIT for the 2 or 3 people TO RUN THE RED before you start. They are going to run it!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I have learned not to use a turn signal in Florida (lower New York) since if you signal to get over, some a-hole will speed up to keep you from getting in front of him. Also, I do not believe a person that has a turn signal on will actually turn - I will NOT bet MY life on it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I use 'em here but I sure as fuck don't trust 'em. These old farts drive with them on for weeks at a time...

      Delete
  3. I believe the band is the original ZZ Top, at least Billy Gibbons though

    ReplyDelete

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